My thoughts on going Paleo.

Whew, let's talk about our family's experience with going Paleo. In December of 2013 I was challenged by family (as a combined effort) to make some future goals for my health and to start taking steps towards our goal. My biggest goals were to eliminate most grains and sugar from my diet, and to get flexible. ;) I knew I needed Zack in on this with me, as it would be impossible to do with just myself. He agreed to two months, and we stuck to it for a solid months very strict, while slowly introducing some gluten-free options and limited grains in during the 3rd and 4th months. It was HARD, I challenged myself more than anything but I am stubborn as shit and knew that I could do it. I felt good. Never got that yucky full bowel feeling after eating, stopped getting headaches, and had such a healthy feeling gut. We could pile yummy fresh veggies on our plate and feel good about what we were eating with our kids.

What was Paleo for us? 
Paleo eating seems to be defined differently for everyone. I followed a few different guides and was incredibly strict to begin with (about 3 months before introducing "cheats"). We ate absolutely no grains. This included any bread products, chips, anything with flour in it. Also, we cut out refined white sugar and all by-products as well. I slowly introduced local raw honey as a sweetener for baking and coffee after I was able to "wean" from the sugar cravings. We also did not eat white potatoes or corn, as these were some of the restrictions for paleo eating.

Some of the websites we followed and got recipes from:
http://wellnessmama.com/category/soups-stews/
http://paleomg.com/ 
https://www.facebook.com/elanaspantry
http://nomnompaleo.com/

                                         The Positives

 Weight loss was a big positive for us, especially for Zack who lost close to 30 lbs in 6 weeks. It was pretty extreme. I lost about 20 over the course of 3/4 months. (But gained back half of that as soon as I stopped being strict on no grains).
We felt energetic, had no headaches, and felt like our digestive systems were on track.
Felt good about what we were eating, and what we were giving our kids.

The Negatives
Cooking: Cooking for Paleo eating takes TONS of prep, buying all kinds of new ingredients and more work then I was used to doing. I enjoyed it, but not everything turned out yummy. It was a learning experience, for sure.
Milk Supply: My milk supply dwindled immensely. With no grains, I was able to only pump 2 oz at times, when I would usually get 12 or so! In order to give my baby enough milk I would have to eat something with grains in it before pumping if I knew I would be going to a birth soon. This was one of the biggest downfalls, and why I wouldn't go completely grain-free again.
Cost: The initial costs of switching EVERYTHING were pretty tough.We had to purchase new sauces, yogurts, dressings, snacks and meats. It has definitely changed the way we look at ingredients, and now we stick with the same sauces (the ones that do not have any added sugar or no refined white sugar) and have come to love and prefer them.

Would I do it again? Yes, if for a short time. I still try to do most dinners with a no grain or sugar mentality but we do have bread sometimes, or an unhealthy snack, and I am ok with that! I would absolutely introduce exercise while you've gained back your energy because I think the benefits would be enormous. I was never able to get in regular exercise while doing this eating plan and I wish I would have, for sure.

The end of our Fourth Trimester

   We have been out of the "4th Trimester", or the first three months postpartum, for a few weeks now. I have been feeling totally back to normal and Marsden has wiggled his way into our family perfectly. He fits like he was always meant to be here, and we all just love him so much. 

   This postpartum time period has been blissful. I spent a solid 6 weeks in bed just snuggling and getting to know Mars while the kids came and played in bed with me, watched movies, or spent time with other family members. I slowly got back into society, as I craved time with other adults. So we did little play dates here and there. I held my baby tons, I nursed him constantly, I changed and washed countless diapers, and I took pictures galore. We have taken baths together and I have given him massages with coconut oil and shea butter. We have bonded and stared into each others eyes, and just gotten to know each other on the outside.

   Now Mars is quickly approaching 4 months. He is a happy little soul (usually). He is a daddy's boy. He loves to smile at people and absolutely loves attention. Just recently he has been grabbing and holding toys and bringing them to his mouth, he loves when I hold him sitting up to watch everything, and he like being worn, of course. 

   He has always been a finger sucker, and now enjoys his paci as well. He has the silliest little giggle and his smile will change your world. 

   We have traveled to Raleigh, twice to Asheville, and even to Ohio already! 

   I'm trying to pump a good stash, I start back to school in a few weeks! I know this will be so hard to leave him everyday, but I will make the very most of the time I do have with him and be sure to snuggle him extra hard for now! 

And now, for some pics and videos!!! 

Prelude to a Birth Story

An important part of our story starts about 20 weeks ago.

After discussing it and weighing the pros and cons, my husband and I decided on having an ultrasound done just to check that there were no birth defects or heart issues that we could be surprised with during our homebirth.
Zack had to work the day of the scheduled ultrasound and so I went with the two boys myself.
I cried of course seeing the baby in my belly, it is always so special to see and brings it all to a whole other level of realness. I asked not to let me see the sex and I had to keep averting my eyes whenever she went towards the lower extremities. Baby even did a full somersault in utero during the ultrasound. So cool to see.
The ultrasound tech told me all looked really great, that the heart looked whole and healthy, and that the doctor will evaluate it all more thoroughly and get back to me in a few days.

So I got a call a few days later, and it was not what I had expected at all.
The nurse told me the results of the ultrasound analysis showed a few concerning things. One, was that the cord was a two vessel cord vs. the normal three vessel cord here is a link with a little more information on SUA (single umbilical artery) http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/262470-overview#aw2aab6b4

But the nurse had some other news to go with this.
She told me that our baby showed "11 out of 11 genetic markers for Downs Syndrome." I was floored. This lady was telling me our options and I politely said thank you, asked a few more questions and hung up. I was a little in shock and anxious for Zack to get home to talk to him about the news. Our baby may have Downs Syndrome. I kept freaking out a little over the news. I mean, this is potentially life-changing news and I was not sure how to react or feel.
The crazy part is that we had been babysitting a sweet boy that weekend who, very ironically, happened to have DS. He taught us so much about love and we were thankful to have had the opportunity to watch him. He opened our hearts and softened the "blow" of the news we were presented with.
So I spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting. I had one really good hard cry in the shower, waddled into the bed and Zack held me in his arms. We were talking and bonding with the baby together and Zack kissed me and put his hand on my belly. It was at that moment the baby decided to kick as hard as he could right where Zack has placed his hand. It was the first time he had felt this one move at all. We both got a little teary eyed and had a beautiful bonding moment with our baby.
You see, we already were madly in love with this baby and his or her number of chromosomes would not change that fact one little bit!
Our baby had a strong heartbeat, and strong persistent kicks and we decided that further testing would be unnecessary. So we declined going back for any further invasive tests. We were (and are) in love with this baby no matter what and knew that some new test would only further our anxiety about the situation.

I wanted to share this with everyone finally, because I think it is relevant to my whole pregnancy story.
We did not share this news with many, as it really did not matter to us one way or the other the outcome of babies sex or number of chromosomes. But I do know I was anxious about it.... and for selfish reasons as well. I was worried I couldn't be the kind of mom who could handle a child that may require so much more from me. I was worried about certain dreams I may have for this child never coming true. I knew how selfish this all was, but these were just issues I had to deal with during my pregnancy and especially in those last few long insane weeks of pregnancy.

39 weeks and a poem

Im 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

Lincoln took this amazing picture last week 

Feeling pretty great in general.
The last few days things have definitely shifted. Much more crampy and feeling baby down SO low.
I also have a yucky cold and tooth pain.... thinking my body is working so hard at getting rid of that stuff before kicking into labor gear.
But I am feeling incredibly excited to feel this warm squishy baby in my arms. To introduce him/her to the family and hear the baby's beautiful voice.
I want to see baby toes and baby eyes and whether baby has hair or not.
Yes, I am definitely feeling ready.

This morning I was taking my bath and reading Sacred Pregnancy book, week 39 about giving birth. It talked about how precious and amazing this time is and how important it is to give into that power and just let it wash over you. I read the whole thing with a big grin on my face while baby kicked inside my womb, just knowing this would happen so soon and baby is such a big part of the whole process. But what really got me all kinds of weepy and emotional was the poem. I have to share it with you:

Being Born is Important. by Carl Sandburg

Being born is important
You who have stood at the bedposts
and seen a mother on her high harvest day,
the day of the most golden of harvest moons for her.

You who have seen the new wet child
dried behind the ears,
swaddled in soft fresh garments,
pursing its lips and sending a groping mouth
toward nipples where white milk is ready.

You who have seen this love’s payday
of wild toiling and sweet agonizing.

You know being born is important.
You know that nothing else was ever so important to you.
You understand that the payday of love is so old,
So involved, so traced with circles of the moon,
So cunning with the secrets of the salts of the blood.
It must be older than the moon, older than salt.

Trust vs. Fear

trust  /trəst/

Noun Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Verb Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.

Synonyms noun.   confidence - faith - credit - reliance - belief verb.   believe - confide - rely - credit - hope - entrust

vs. 

fear  

/fi(ə)r/

Noun An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Verb Be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening: "farmers fear that they will lose business".

Synonyms noun.   dread - fright - apprehension - funk - awe - alarm verb.   be afraid - dread - apprehend - funk - be afraid of I have been trying to spend a lot of time lately in my Sacred Pregnancy book. There are weekly topics and you do them almost like devotionals, journaling and reflecting on each subject. I have been struggling with fear lately, I know it has a lot to do with being told lots of scary stories as a doula. So I randomly flipped to a week and came to week 22: TRUST, and it was EXACTLY what I needed. Inhale Trust...Exhale Fear... this has become my mantra each night as I fall asleep. I do this little exercise if someone has shared a not so pleasant birth story with me, or if I am feeling particularly stressed. I focus on Inhaling trust, and Exhaling all the fear.  When I breath in trust I envision a strong chain link armor pulling across my body. This armor protects me and gives me strength.  It is impenetrable and unbreakable. I am safe.  TRUST When I exhale fear I think about this gross black smoke cloud emitting from my mouth. I like to think it is all the toxic thoughts and insecurities that nag at me and they are just exiting my body.  FEAR Here is my most favorite quote that I want to write so big and hang in my birth space: "Have confidence that your baby is growing perfectly and that you will be able to deliver your child with ease and in harmony with the universe. " I will!!! I do!!! I am!!!

Woah, this is happening.

It is starting to hit home.

We are going to have a new baby here soon. I will be giving birth again soon.

I had my home visit with my Midwife tonight. At some point I started shaking, I knew it was because I realized the proximity of all we were talking about, and to be honest, I am NERVOUS! Im excited, scared, worried, stoked, freaking out and totally feel like a chicken running around with their head cut off. I don't even have all my birth supplies yet, and realized that I should probably jump on that at 36 weeks. It snuck up on me, was I not just 30 weeks???

I didnt get to do all my peaceful birthing hypno tracks, I better start! I have my Blessingway in a week and a half. Also, I still need to get my birth tub! Ok, I will not freak out. I will breath in, slowely. Breathe out and let all my worries float away.

When I close my eyes and picture my upcoming birth I can not help but smile ear to ear. I want to keep that enthusiasm for giving birth and let all the worry melt away.

Cause, WOAH, THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!

Prenatal visit with the Midwife. Getting belly measured, and Asher nursing at the same time

Mommy's little Midwife helpers

Lessons I have Learned, Day 3 of watching 5 boys under 5!

1. Sugar is your enemy, especially in large quantities. LIMIT the kids sugar!!!
2. BUT sugar in your morning coffee is your best friend. 
3. Toddler-aged boys eat like teenagers. Bottomless pits, yall. 
4. Squat with your legs when you clean or pick up the kids. Your back will feel it if you do not.
5. Playtime is absolutely necessary, especially free running outside playtime. Get those energies out boys!
6. Everything is more fun and easier with a SONG! ;) 
7. Stop trying to clean up right behind them all day long. You will go insane. 
8. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back if you get a load of laundry done or do the dishes. 
9. Make some rooms off limits, for your sanity. 
10. Naptime. It is a marvelous thing. 
11. Try and have some consistency to your schedule, try and teach them things with every little activity you do together. Breakfast time- count the cheerios, playtime- animal sounds and colors, etc. 
12. Hugs can fix most anything
13. It is impossible not to smile when 5 little boys are all giggling together 
14. Give extra attention and love to your own kiddos at the end of the day, even if your touched out and do not want to. They crave the special mommy/son time. 

Proud Mommy Moment

Lincoln.

My sweet 4.5 year old still inspires, surprises and amazes me constantly. He has a sweet heart and is so curious to know more about his world right now. I just have to share a special moment I caught him in yesterday that warmed my heart. As I mentioned before I just started watching three other boys in our house and so we have a house full of 5 boys under 5 and boy is that an adventure and a whole other blog post.

At 1 in the afternoon I get all the boys down for nap except for Lincoln who gets his alone time, and I set him up on a movie while the rest of us get some shut eye.

I fell asleep with the other boys and woke up a little later wanting to check on Lincoln and make sure he did not turn on a different movie or something, and was so happily surprised by what I found. Lincoln was not watching a movie at all! He had gotten his preschool workbook and his markers and was tracing letters and coloring! He was very excited to show me the work he had done, and was not paying attention to the movie I had put on for him.

I know it seems like such a small thing but it brought a smile to my face to see my sweet independent boy really doing his own thing. I love this little man. Just had to share my proud mommy moment.

Boys and Birth

              Tonight while Lincoln was in his bath he did the funniest thing, and it spurred on a blog post in my head. He was just playing around with his bath wash rag and started making this grunting face while using the rag to wash his bottom area, then he looked at me while making said noises and pulled the rag up from under the water, pulled it up on to his chest, and said "look ma, I had a baby" or something to that effect, I died laughing, needless to say. But was honestly very happy that he gets the concept of the thing, I told him that boys do not have babies and they do not come out of a butt, but other than that I let him play his little story out.Since Lincoln was almost 3 when his little brother was born, we spent some time prepping him for the arrival of the new baby. We watched birth videos together and talked about what happens, so that he would not be scared when the time came.
              See the thing is, I WANT my boys to grow up being completely comfortable around birth. If our society is EVER going to change the way we view birth- to birth WITHOUT fear- being the main goal, then we also need to help change this perspective in our men. So many men and women, really, look at birth as a scary, awkward, gross, weird, event that they would rather not even witness. But being present in that moment for your significant other, and for the new baby is so important. If my boys grow up viewing birth as natural, magical, special, life-changing, powerful, beautiful, and perfect in and of itself, then they can become the daddy-doula that his wife will some day need. He will be able to encourage her one day, and if I can help raise a few boys that see it as the way it should be, then I will have done my job to help change the world.
             

Check out these pics from Asher's birth last year. Lincoln's presence during my labor was so calming and helped put things into focus for me. I loved looking into his eyes and knowing I was about to give him a sibling, and that he could be there for that special moment was priceless! We should all do our part to help raise the future men of the world and encourage them to view birth as the normal process that it is!

These amazing photos were taken by Marnie Urso! Thank you again lady, I seriously look at them all the time and feel so happy! <3

Reasons I suck at parenting....

 If you go by the books, sometimes I really do just suck at being a parent. Maybe I am just having an off day and needed to vent through this blog post, but I can pin point so many wrong things I do with my parenting its not even funny. Some of them, I will defend. I do not think all of these are necessarily horrible things, but most are common parenting guidelines that are set up that I just do not have for my boys. 

Well, here we go. Try not to hate me after you read this blog post. 

• I let my kids jump on the bed. (really, why not?) 
• I have a wild child, I do not reign him in. I let it blossom, and sometimes wonder if that is the worst thing I can do for him.
• The thing is I am not structured AT ALL. Like no way, totally laissez faire, run free children, type of parenting. I do have some specific guideline for them to follow but find it is hard when not in our own space to stick to these guidelines, and since I struggle with the whole discipline issue I can not seem to get Lincoln to adhere to these guidelines. The biggest one being him running outside with out me knowing and being somewhere at the neighbors house before I even realize!
• I sometimes laugh when Lincoln gets hurt, like if he was doing something I had just told him was not a very smart choice because he could get hurt then.... boom he gets hurt. I know, malicious, I am not making fun of him, just... well I have no explanation for this one. Just isnt very nice. 
• Sometimes I dont pay good enough attention to my kids, I have my head stuck in a book or am on stupid fb and realize that the reason the kids are being uber ridiculous is cause....well...I NEED TO BE PAYING BETTER ATTENTION TO THEM. 
• Sometimes, I use the playground as my babysitter. You gotta realize, I get NO BREAKS AT ALL, from being with my boys. I am not living with my Zack yet, so I get real tired of the constant go go go all day with them, so we go to the playground and while, yes, I am totally paying attention to Lincoln, I also can use this time to chill out and read my book or just relax. 
• My husband and I disagree on many aspects of our parenting together, which makes things worse. 
• I encourage my son to jump off the highest ring of the tower he climbed at the playground. While the other moms were freaking out when their kids jumped from halfway up the tower, I saw Lincoln climb to the very top, give me a look like he wanted to jump, and I said go for it!!! I watched him get crazy mad air, and knew yeah there is a chance he could get hurt but this boy has gotta learn not to be afraid and to take chances, and have fun, and if it hurt too much he would not do it again. 
• I sometimes loose my temper and react to my children with words or actions I should not. I struggle and battle with this everyday, to be the best parent I can be. To figure out just how in the hell I am really supposed to parent. I hear back and forth back and forth about how "Oh, you have to use spanking and time out because it is what gets them in line, and they will not listen to you if you dont do this", and then from others "Never ever spank a child or put them in time out it will affect them for the rest of their life and you will scar them, they will think you dont love them". Honestly battling with myself on these two its like I have multiple personality disorder and I am sure Lincoln is getting whiplash from it trying to figure out how mommy is going to react! 
• I do not make my kids eat their plates all clean. If he does not wanna eat it then fine, Ill save it for later. 
• Lincoln loves him some Mcdonalds Chicken nuggets, and I know they are horrible for him, yet I still let him eat there. Shame on me. 
• During my efforts to get Asher to nap twice everyday I have no idea what to do with Lincoln... so I will put on a netflix movie and he sits in the bed with us. I encourage him to play in the room but he gets bored and runs off into the house without me, and its not ok for him to do this since we are living with other family right now. 
• I have a temper and am pretty sure I have passed that down to Lincoln, just him watching me react to different situations if he sees me get angry at something its like he mimics me, " UGH, really!!!" I will hear him say a few hours later. Ashamed. At least its not curse words he is getting from me... He picked up a bad one from daddy though! Just from our speaker phone conversations!
• Sometimes I feel like I am going to loose it and want to grab all my hair and pull it out of my head. Usually this is when both children are hanging on me and grabbing and whining at the same time. I try all I can to be lovey and show them the attention they deserve but sometimes I am just pooped out and want some ME time! 
• I told Lincoln it was ok for him to pee outside in the woods. I created a monster with that one, yep. 
• My children do not know the meaning of quiet time, no matter what I try to teach or show them. Especially in the mornings. 
• I am NOT a clean freak, struggle with keeping a tidy room and have inevitably passed this one down too. We do have clean up time, but Lincoln gets pissed when I start singing that song. ha
• Ok, noticed almost all these pertain to my oldest, and that in itself should tell you something.  

 Ok, the end for now. Will add more once I can think of them or accidentally add to my list of things I suck at.


I promise I am going to do a post soon of the reasons why I RULE at parenting. LOL. 

My body

 A silly video of Lincoln blowing raspberries on my tummy.

antithesis


I am large in my skin
I make no apology
This belly grew three babies
Why should it be flat?
It curves with the memory of the womb.
These breasts fed three babies
Why should they be pert?
They swell with the memory of milk.
These hips carried three children
Why should they be slim?
They are full with the memory of life.
My bones are secret under flesh
My skin plump and white and fine
Mine is the face of Botticelli
Mine is the water of the Nile
Mine is the shape of things forbidden
Daughter of Gaia, grown beautiful and wild.

~Lorri Barrier

A poem I found that applies oh so well to me. I love it. I wish I could love myself but I do not know I will ever get to that point. I appreciate the good and the bad and how much my body can do. How many people can say they have grown babies and fed them all with their body. No man, that's for sure, so how can they truly appreciate our bodies like they should be viewed? Most of us are not skinny supermodels with "flawless" skin. We have battle scars; birth scars. I sure as hell would take them all on again for my boys. 


I just wish there was a society that looked at a woman with a body like mine, and so many mothers that I know, and truly truly loved it because.... DAMN, LOOK WHAT THAT BODY CAN/DID  DO! 

while pregnant/in labor

I breast feed. I have now for a total of about 17 months between my two children. I plan to continue for as long as my baby needs.

My breast fed baby is strong now, and healthy. He is getting chunkier and chubbier and growing so well.

I have carried 2 babies, I have stretched and shrunk and stretched and shrunk. I have had a c-section which dramatically changed the shape of my stomach.

This post was inspired by this post: http://www.drmomma.org/2011/05/birthmarks.html

 (I guess it is a good thing not to many ppl read my blog, I am self conscious to post these pictures, but I am doing it because I want to get over it! And just because I am learning to appreciate my body does not mean I am not trying to lose weight, which I am but it is a slow process!!!)

The Big Move.

Ohio vs NC

 

 
I have been asked many times by my friends and family why we are currently trying to move back to NC. I thought it would only be appropriate to dedicate a blog post to it, and set out some reasons we have discussed that are leading us to the south again.

1. Our dogs are becoming pansy little wimp dogs who just want to prance around in the house and avoid playing outdoors at all costs. I guess that happens when your cooped up inside a house for months at a time, and when the backyard is so teeny tiny they have to run around in circles to get any exercise. They lazy dogs have even resorted to POOPING on the back deck, cause god-forbid they get snow on their precious little (big) dog bellies! Here is a picture of the little brats/sometimes angels (but mostly brats):

                                   Tosko                                                                                  Abby

        2. Do I really even need to mention the weather?  
           Not only the weather, but also the scenery. There is no comparison, the part of Ohio we live in is drab and dull for almost 4 or 5 months of the year. I live in the city in a neighborhood with out much nature or beauty surrounding us. We crave the beauty of NC again. To have a house with a yard for the kids to play, and for us all to be able to enjoy more days outdoors, not bundled up in layer for fear of frostbite every time you walk to the car. Here is a good comparison, the same time frame, outside our house now, and outside Zack's moms house:
                                                                                 NC

                                                                     



                                                                     Ohio (same month)

            Don't get me wrong, Ohio does have it's beautiful areas, and times of the year. Perfect for visiting. I just think NC is gorgeous, especially near the mountains. Ahhh, just thinking of Boone makes me smile.

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to the body and soul." -John Muir

        3. Family/Friends. While we have great friends and family in both places, we have some wonderful people in NC who miss us dearly, as we do them, and it would be nice for Zack's side of the family to see our kids more often. (Both his brother's live down there, his parents as well) I will dreadfully miss my family here in Ohio, and my best friends and all my mama friends up here!!!!!!
        4. A chance at a change, to start all over. And really change is good! We came here to Ohio at 19 years old and settled down, we have been in the same place-same jobs same house for this whole time, never meaning for that to happen. We just got stuck. So we took the plunge (well Zack did, by quitting his job last month) hoping that something good is going to come when you flip your world upside down.
        5. Southern Hospitality: Sweet tea, yes sirs and no mams, bojangles, four wheeling, fresh air, mountains, oceans, and just good ole southern charm. Can't beat it. 
        6. NC is where our hearts seem to be, we have longed for it for so long. And really I know home is where the heart is. :)