The funny thing about having a blog is.... that if I post something it is here forever, and well, everyone can see what I do, and when I mess up then it feels extra embarrassing.
For instance, I wrote an angry passionate blog post about our horrible orientation for kindergarten and fervently declared that Lincoln would not be attending there. Six months and many discussions later, and today he attended kindergarten for the first time. I would take it back, but also I know we live and learn in life.
I am sitting here with my two week old newborn in my lap. He just nursed to sleep and is in a perfect state of happiness . I know it is time to sit down and write out his beautiful, perfect birth story. I have not wanted to miss any of the details of his story. Everytime I stroke his soft downy head or hold his newly washed wet body I can recall the exact feeling I felt when I held him and touched him for the first time and it takes me right back to that amazing blissful surreal moment that will always be engraved upon my heart.
If I can use some words to describe his birth story it would be a crazy mixture of words like~ AMAZING, CONFUSING, LONG, FAST, PERFECT, INTIMATE, SURREAL, ECSTASY, and REASSURING.
Going "post-dates" is one of the most emotionally hard things I have ever done. We went all the way to 42 weeks and 2 days gestation. Every other day I would be sobbing and then the next I would be strong in my trust for the process, I felt like a crazy woman and started to believe maybe something was wrong this time and I would have to go to the hospital. Thankfully I followed my instincts, worked through my mental blocks, did a lot of position changes, and let things happen without any outside influence.
My "labor" started on a Wednesday evening and our new baby did not make his entrance until Saturday evening. It was that long! So here is the detailed story of our accidental unassisted vbac birth of baby Pace number three! ~
Wednesday March 27th, 2013
It all started with the full moon, a beautiful, perfect full moon and slow to start contractions coming every 20 minutes or so. I went about my regular business and visited with my best friend who drove down from Ohio. We took a lovely walk under the moon together going up and down my driveway, and talked about everything and nothing as best friends can do. I had my Midwife appointment that evening as well, and it was just wonderful hearing the baby's heartbeat and getting reassured by her that things we're perfect and normal.
Contractions continued through that evening and through the night. Every 20 minutes, like clockwork. Not hard at all, but noticeable.
Thursday March 28th, 2013
Had lovely contractions all through the night, up every twenty minutes or so and just breathed through them.
Woke up and made muffins for the family. Regular life commenced, just while working through them now every 15-20 minutes. More family came to town (my mom and sisters!!) We spent the day together. Water situation in the house so I went to their hotel to take a super long hot shower that was lovely!
Here I am, having a contraction while opening gifts. I got pretty good at just managing the sensations. I would not call them painful at this point. They were an intense feeling concentrated in my cervix that felt like a rubber band being pulled open, like it was being pulled open with strong force. It is a really hard sensation to explain, I did not have any contraction tightenings across my stomach at all this time!
Friday March 29th, 2013
Contractions still continued 20 minutes apart throughout the night and into the morning. I slept knee to chest and got up every time I could feel one coming and would rock back and forth through it, then sleep in between.
I woke up exhausted. Two nights of little to no sleep, with my body doing some intense work, and I was in a pretty bad mental place this day.
I had a few cry sessions. Couldn't get into my groove and wondered what the heck was wrong with my putsy labor and why wasn't it picking up at all!
Zack, my husband, came home from work and took me to a friends house to shower. It helped refresh me. I went to Target with him to walk and buy a new exercise/birth ball to rock on.
Contractions coming about 10 to 15 minutes apart at this time, but then would take random intervals off. Such a long slow labor, I was trying all I could to get baby's position right, thinking that would kick things into gear once I could do that.
Dinner at an expensive Hibachi Japanese restaurant and contractions were very intense in this public place. I felt the need to be vocal during them and could not! I literally stuck my face in a napkin each contraction and breathed through them trying to let it pass without making a scene! Luckily dinner was delish and went fast. Let me just note that CAR CONTRACTIONS SUCK SO BAD!!! I am so so glad I do not have to do that on a 30 minute hospital drive!
Saturday March 30th, 2013 ~ Baby's BIRTHDAY!
Once again I had contractions throughout the evening and night and into the next morning. Unrelentless, but never intensifying up until this point. Last night they came about 8-10 minutes apart finally, and I had to be vocal throughout them. I slept between each sensation and counted down the hours till I could wake my best friend and have her help me get through these. They were finally intense enough that I felt like I could use some support!!!
I waited until 6 am and I woke my bff up to help me take a bath! I laid on my side and she poured water over my side and back. It felt lovely. I could hear the birds chirping outside and they woke up with the world, and it was just how I pictured it all. I hoped so hard that today would finally be the day I gave birth!
Had a few contractions in the tub and they felt very intense, and I did not care for them at all. It is hard to rock through them and stay focused when you lay on your side in a small ass tub! SO I got out and we did a few hours in the boys room of just getting through these 7-8 minute apart contractions while the rest of the house woke up.
I continued like this throughout the day. Leaning on my family and my bff as an intense contraction came. They were about 7 minutes apart still, and not lasting very long. But some of them were INSANELY strong and concentrated, like before, all in my cervix. Like a violent pulling apart feeling, as best as I can describe. I did what I could to stay very relaxed through them, and felt best when leaning on somebody or something through the contractions.
I had a moment when I looked at the newborn baby clothes and was overwhelmed with emotion. I would meet this baby soon. No matter what, I would be meeting this sweet baby soon and he or she would wear this outfit. I got super emotional and held the clothes against my chest. My bff snapped this pic. It is still early morning here.
Kicked out all the family, and my bff had to leave for Ohio. Its just Zack and I now! I used a woven wrap to lift my baby and counter-act the heavy feeling in between contractions. It is now around 12 o'clock.
After enduring a short car ride with hubby to the gas station and changing clothes, I decided to walk in the back yard woods for a while by myself. It was AMAZING. I listened to the wind. Watched the dogs run, and leaned against the trees when a contraction came. Zack was doing yard work and mowing while I was back in the woods by myself. I called my dad and talked to him a little bit to give him updates, and text my Midwife that contractions were about 5 minutes apart, some pretty strong and others not so much. I was just doing my thing enjoying the time alone. So thankful to my mother for taking my older boys to the park and entertaining them so I could have my space. I needed it.
I had text my good friend/doula Bridget earlier in the day that it was just going to be my husband and me and that I may need the extra back support since I was getting pretty tired. We had planned for her to stop by on her way home from work around 4.
It is now about 230 or so.
I started to get a little overwhelmed by some of the contractions and yelled at Zack that he needed to join me. We walked together in the woods, and he snapped a few pics of me.
This is when my LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGG birth story turns crazy fast!! :)
Hubby joined me in the woods, like I said and we walked about halfway and things started picking up pretty strongly. We were timing them and it looked like they switched to 3 minutes apart and were staying there now. I started feeling more intense contractions and could not get relaxed through them at all.
It was about 315 and we decided to head back into the house because I couldn't get comfortable. (looking back now, I know this was when transition was about to hit)
I was getting PISSED off that I was unable to breathe through these contractions and relax. I am a freaking doula, dammit, I know the tricks I should be able to be relaxed right now! But these were beyond me, and I started taking it out on my poor husband.
Mom, my sisters and my older boys came home about this time and I quickly asked them to leave again as things were getting really serious and I needed to focus.
400 pm. Bridget, my doula and friend, walks in the door. I start really feeling rectal pressure and have no way to stop it. I am kicking my feet and freaking out a little more because I couldn't NOT push with the pressure. She asks if I had called the Midwife to come, well of course I had been in contact with her, but I did not think things were intense enough yet and had told her not to come just yet. I knew I had this rectal pressure feeling with Asher for 5 hours last time!!!
She walks with me to my bedroom and I lean over the bed, I have one super strong contraction and I do not fight the rectal pressure this time, I kind of give into it a little bit and I feel the sensation change and move towards the front a little bit. I yelled something like. "Oh, SHIT, yes, yes, please call the Midwife.... I think we should definitely do that now."
I am moving towards the bathroom now. I am feeling a little insane with the intensity! I cant fight it, my body needs me to push with this pressure!!! I think maybe sitting on the toilet will help, NOPE! I stand up and say (sorry for the TMI) "Zack, I think I am pooping, please come wipe me or something!! "
His response was that was a baby's head bulging and I was not pooping! HOLY SHIT!
I lean over the side of the tub.
My hubby is behind me, and Bridget is sitting in the corner snapping away pics, just like I had asked her to. Midwife is not here yet, she lives about 30 minutes away. It is around 445 now or so.
My body is just pushing on its own, like I always hoped for! I gave into it all and pushed with it. I got to reach down and feel the squishy head as baby was crowning. It was insane to feel myself opening so big! Our bodies are amazing! Within a couple of pushes the head was out! Baby blinked up at Zack with his body still inside of me. I waited until the next contraction and pushed the rest of the body out, right into the loving, strong arms of my husband! He had wanted to catch our baby so bad, and he finally got to do just that!!!
INSANE emotion flood here! I was overwhelmed by the love I had for my new baby and my husband the baby catcher. I can not believe we just did this all on our own! It was all I ever hoped for and everything I needed.
This video was taken immediately after Zack caught our baby and placed him in my arms. I am literally overwhelmed with emotion. I am definitely in disbelief and doing some sort of weird cry/laugh thing. I love the raw emotion though, and love being able to re-watch our first moments with our new baby!
We waited a while, after talking with the baby and holding baby. This is the video of us finding out baby's sex! It's a BOY!!!! An awesome third Pace boy.
About 10 minutes, or even less, I am not sure, our wonderful Midwife walked through the door. She saw Zack's face and they all had the biggest grins on their faces. She helped clean me and baby up. Got us situated, assessed blood loss and watched for the placenta (all in the bathroom). After about 25 minutes or so that it took to birth the placenta, we waddled into the bed and snuggled up, and waited for my mom to come back with our older two boys so we could introduce them!!!
The most beautiful thing about this entire birth experience was how normal it all turned out to be. We laid down in our own bed after just having birthed our baby all on our own, and we were just a family with a sweet new member. It was simple and though the process was so so long and it seemed like I would be pregnant forever, I was once again taught that birth NEEDS to be trusted, our bodies have to be respected and our intuition listened to above all other things that society may tell us! I vbac'd my baby all on my own and I will never forget the way I felt, how in LOVE I became with my body, my baby and my husband.
Feeling pretty great in general.
The last few days things have definitely shifted. Much more crampy and feeling baby down SO low.
I also have a yucky cold and tooth pain.... thinking my body is working so hard at getting rid of that stuff before kicking into labor gear.
But I am feeling incredibly excited to feel this warm squishy baby in my arms. To introduce him/her to the family and hear the baby's beautiful voice.
I want to see baby toes and baby eyes and whether baby has hair or not.
Yes, I am definitely feeling ready.
This morning I was taking my bath and reading Sacred Pregnancy book, week 39 about giving birth. It talked about how precious and amazing this time is and how important it is to give into that power and just let it wash over you. I read the whole thing with a big grin on my face while baby kicked inside my womb, just knowing this would happen so soon and baby is such a big part of the whole process. But what really got me all kinds of weepy and emotional was the poem. I have to share it with you:
Being Born is Important. by Carl Sandburg
Being born is important
You who have stood at the bedposts
and seen a mother on her high harvest day,
the day of the most golden of harvest moons for her.
You who have seen the new wet child
dried behind the ears,
swaddled in soft fresh garments,
pursing its lips and sending a groping mouth
toward nipples where white milk is ready.
You who have seen this love’s payday
of wild toiling and sweet agonizing.
You know being born is important.
You know that nothing else was ever so important to you.
You understand that the payday of love is so old,
So involved, so traced with circles of the moon,
So cunning with the secrets of the salts of the blood.
It must be older than the moon, older than salt.
Postpartum bath herbs from my awesome Midwife, and I also have more from LuSa Organics
Peri bottle (yes!)
Wishgarden Afterease tincture
MegaFood Blood Builder for my iron levels after birth
Cord clamps
Bulb syringe
Lots of towels, and lots of washclothes
Bendy straws (for easy drinking in labor)
Healthy and yummy labor snacks and drinks (water, coconut water, juices, fruits)
These are just the supplies that I have listed from my midwife to have on hand, or that I thought may be handy from past experience. This does not include the awesome bag of tricks that both my Midwife and my doulas will have on hand. But in the end, really, these are all mostly just precautionary type supplies. Let's let birth unfold without messing with it and see what miraculous things take place!!!!
What would you add to this list? Is there something you think would be super handy that I have forgotten?
Excuse my crazy crazy hair and clothes. This is how I roll most of the time these days.
be afraid - dread - apprehend - funk - be afraid of
I have been trying to spend a lot of time lately in my Sacred Pregnancy book. There are weekly topics and you do them almost like devotionals, journaling and reflecting on each subject. I have been struggling with fear lately, I know it has a lot to do with being told lots of scary stories as a doula. So I randomly flipped to a week and came to week 22: TRUST, and it was EXACTLY what I needed.
Inhale Trust...Exhale Fear...
this has become my mantra each night as I fall asleep. I do this little exercise if someone has shared a not so pleasant birth story with me, or if I am feeling particularly stressed. I focus on Inhaling trust, and Exhaling all the fear.
When I breath in trust I envision a strong chain link armor pulling across my body. This armor protects me and gives me strength. It is impenetrable and unbreakable. I am safe.
TRUST
When I exhale fear I think about this gross black smoke cloud emitting from my mouth. I like to think it is all the toxic thoughts and insecurities that nag at me and they are just exiting my body.
FEAR
Here is my most favorite quote that I want to write so big and hang in my birth space:
"Have confidence that your baby is growing perfectly and that you will be able to deliver your child with ease and in harmony with the universe. "
We are going to have a new baby here soon. I will be giving birth again soon.
I had my home visit with my Midwife tonight. At some point I started shaking, I knew it was because I realized the proximity of all we were talking about, and to be honest, I am NERVOUS! Im excited, scared, worried, stoked, freaking out and totally feel like a chicken running around with their head cut off. I don't even have all my birth supplies yet, and realized that I should probably jump on that at 36 weeks. It snuck up on me, was I not just 30 weeks???
I didnt get to do all my peaceful birthing hypno tracks, I better start! I have my Blessingway in a week and a half. Also, I still need to get my birth tub! Ok, I will not freak out. I will breath in, slowely. Breathe out and let all my worries float away.
When I close my eyes and picture my upcoming birth I can not help but smile ear to ear. I want to keep that enthusiasm for giving birth and let all the worry melt away.
Cause, WOAH, THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!
Prenatal visit with the Midwife. Getting belly measured, and Asher nursing at the same time
or things that have (sometimes literally) saved my butt!
My body pillow. Big, super soft and fluffy
Morning cup of coffee. Vanilla, please!
Bath time with lavender essential oil in it
Earth Mama Angel Baby Mama Bottom Balm and witch hazel
Coconut Oil
Candles
Having an awesome sister tribe of empowering women who help every time I get a little bit of doubt or fear creeping into my head
Knowing my body, and more about pregnancy then I ever thought possible. Bleeding gums, ah that's normal for me. I have a pretty good idea on the amount of weight gain that will happen, I am more in tune with when I have had too much sodium or need to drink more water.
My lovely Midwife. Leaving prenatal visits feeling super positive and excited about pregnancy and birth.
Awesome birth books, and the ocassional paranormal romance
Whew! The final stretch is just around the corner. I may be such an odd person but I want it to SLOW down, I do not want to rush these last few precious, amazing, and sacred weeks I have with baby number 3 growing inside my belly. I am feeling closer than ever bonded to baby, the kicks are so strong and responsive. I will bullet point some tidbits so it is easier to read :
I close my eyes and can see where baby is positioned and I feel amazingly in tuned to him/her. Baby is head down right now, I am certain I can feel hiccups very low. The back and bum are against my left side and I feel kicks and jabs and movements everywhere.
I have started pulling out all the newborn clothes, and getting "new" to us clothes from wonderful friends.
We also have a pretty nice cloth diaper stash building up for the sweet baby bum.
Maternity shirts are a pain and not much looks very good on me, belly is higher this time, but lower too... I cant explain that very well. My belly is stretched out more so its not tight skin round belly that is lower, it is more jiggly ;). Baby is sitting higher up though, which makes my pelvis happy.
My gums are bleeding insanely every time I brush. This is not abnormal for me.
I dream of taking a bath in some soothing body lotion such as shea butter or something similar. I have these intense dry spots especially on my elbows and knees that I can not fix!
I can still reach my feet pretty well, though Zack was so wonderful and painted my toes for me the other day!
I am starting to feel the dreaded pubis symphysis pain in the front. Its a sharp stretching pain. Im trying to get up with both legs together at the same time to try and minimize it.
Lincoln and baby Mars. I do not even need to say more, other than I HAVE to video his amazing conversations to and about the baby. He is incredible. He talks to baby every night, he tells me about baby being born in the water and how he can not wait to hold baby in his arms when he/she grows big enough to be ready. We talk about everything! He is very fascinated with the umbilical cord and how it becomes our belly buttons.
Still searching for a comfortable sleeping position. My body pillow does help some.
BUBBLE OF PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My doula Chelsea read to me a hypnobirthing script about my bubble of peace and it hit home so hard. I have my protective shield up finally, and am only allowing the positive stories in and shielding away any negativity!
I can not even recall all the many times I have heard it said among my mama friends. "If we have another baby, I would love to do ________ next time." or "Next time I plan on doing _____ and ______ differently. " I know I have said these things myself as well quite a few times, but now.... NOW IS MY "NEXT TIME."
So the hard part is trying to remember all those things I would LOVE to plan happen surrounding my pregnancy/birth and babymoon time period. Here is a checklist of sorts of things I desire with all my heart and will strive for achieving with every resource available to me.
make a birth quilt! I have been drooling over doing this for so long, but need help! I want to have a Blessingway where my close friends bring a special square to add to the quilt, and once baby is born, I can take pics of baby on the quilt every month. Like this: http://rixarixa.blogspot.com/2009/04/birth-quilt-in-progress.html
have end of pregnancy photo shoot outside with the trees
belly henna!
decorate my birth room! positive sayings, lots of colors, pictures, and candles I am sure my doula friends can help me with this :)
stay more active in end of pregnancy, especially stretching and doing my squats
a peaceful water-birth where HUBBY catches baby before passing baby back through my legs and straight to my chest. (that is, if I give birth hands and knees again)
an INTACT perineum aka NO hard pushing for hours, peaceful birthing the baby down and breathing baby out
wait to find out the baby's sex, just hold and snuggle my new baby for a while without caring about their sex. Even if any interventions are needed like they were with Asher a little bit, I will stay calm and focused on my baby's face and not be tempted to sneak a peek. :)
more skin to skin! Anyone who wants to hold the baby within those first few hours or days.... plan to get topless! :)
cook lots of meals and freeze them before baby comes
lay in bed and snuggle baby for a few weeks with the family. Get to know each other. Be lazy. Take too many pictures.
I am very absolutely sure there are more things on my list.... hmmm, what am I forgetting? I am sure there will be part 2! Leave your "next times" in the comments! :)
My lovely, jolly, big- ole belly.... How I love you. I love that you grow so big each day and week and make space for the sweet baby inside. I love that we can make more space somehow, though I am astonished at how big you can get. I will cherish forever the things that you have done. As I type this right now, I am resting the computer on top of you, big baby belly. You are not what most would call pretty, by any means, but I look at you with adoration. My, what amazing things this belly has done! I have grown so comfortable with all the markings and love you for your imperfections. And when I have grown so big that the time has come for this lovely new baby to join our world, I will be amazed still and in love with how very round and firm you can get. I vow NOT to take you for granted or wish you away, though you may be a tad bit cumbersome at times, I know that I will look back with such fond memories of the times you grew LIFE INSIDE OF YOU, and absolutely be astonished and amazed by it every. single. time.
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