I know I was going to start "fearless fridays", but to tell you the truth, I am not feeling very fearless today. I am feeling all sorts of emotions, but not fearlessness. I am feeling alone, and un-loved, and ashamed that I even feel this way. I dont even know if I will post this blog entry. I love spending time with Lincoln, but he is my only constant in my life. I dont always feel loved by my family, I dont always feel loved by my friends(especially), and sometimes I dont always feel loved by my hubby. Times are stressful. Im not pulling in the money I need to, and its all thrown on Zack.... he secretly hates me for it. This little boy is literally my everything right now. But the biggest thing I need to vent about is how different everything is with this second pregnancy. I was not ready for this. No one prepared me. My first pregnancy was all about the baby and me. People would open doors for me, pick things up for me. Buy things for the new baby and ask how we were doing ALL THE TIME. To be honest, I loved it. I loved the pampering and I loved the special attention. It made me feel so great, and powerful and loved!!!!! It was one of the reasons why I couldnt wait to be pregnant again-so I could feel that extra-special again. But apparently you dont get it for your second pregnancy, and I have been having a hard time with that lately. This whole thing sounds so selfish.... I know. But honestly I feel like this new baby is neglected and unloved too. No one ever goes out of their way to help me do things. I dont get constant texts from friends and family asking about baby. Nobody has asked me what the new baby needs. It makes me feel.... like no one cares. AND THAT HURTS SO BAD. It makes me feel alone, and un-loved like I said. I cant help that I feel this way. I know I am not the center of other peoples worlds and I sound like a brat. But the whole thing is just hard for me to process.
I love this new baby already. I know its going to be hard with school and Lincoln and everything, but I am excited to do it. I had to vent this, because honestly... I cant stop crying about it. I need constant friends, I need to feel the love from my family. This post is not me asking for it from them.... its just my chance to vent my feelings.