An important part of our story starts about 20 weeks ago.
After discussing it and weighing the pros and cons, my husband and I decided on having an ultrasound done just to check that there were no birth defects or heart issues that we could be surprised with during our homebirth.
Zack had to work the day of the scheduled ultrasound and so I went with the two boys myself.
I cried of course seeing the baby in my belly, it is always so special to see and brings it all to a whole other level of realness. I asked not to let me see the sex and I had to keep averting my eyes whenever she went towards the lower extremities. Baby even did a full somersault in utero during the ultrasound. So cool to see.
The ultrasound tech told me all looked really great, that the heart looked whole and healthy, and that the doctor will evaluate it all more thoroughly and get back to me in a few days.
So I got a call a few days later, and it was not what I had expected at all.
The nurse told me the results of the ultrasound analysis showed a few concerning things. One, was that the cord was a two vessel cord vs. the normal three vessel cord here is a link with a little more information on SUA (single umbilical artery) http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/262470-overview#aw2aab6b4
But the nurse had some other news to go with this.
She told me that our baby showed "11 out of 11 genetic markers for Downs Syndrome." I was floored. This lady was telling me our options and I politely said thank you, asked a few more questions and hung up. I was a little in shock and anxious for Zack to get home to talk to him about the news. Our baby may have Downs Syndrome. I kept freaking out a little over the news. I mean, this is potentially life-changing news and I was not sure how to react or feel.
The crazy part is that we had been babysitting a sweet boy that weekend who, very ironically, happened to have DS. He taught us so much about love and we were thankful to have had the opportunity to watch him. He opened our hearts and softened the "blow" of the news we were presented with.
So I spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting. I had one really good hard cry in the shower, waddled into the bed and Zack held me in his arms. We were talking and bonding with the baby together and Zack kissed me and put his hand on my belly. It was at that moment the baby decided to kick as hard as he could right where Zack has placed his hand. It was the first time he had felt this one move at all. We both got a little teary eyed and had a beautiful bonding moment with our baby.
You see, we already were madly in love with this baby and his or her number of chromosomes would not change that fact one little bit!
Our baby had a strong heartbeat, and strong persistent kicks and we decided that further testing would be unnecessary. So we declined going back for any further invasive tests. We were (and are) in love with this baby no matter what and knew that some new test would only further our anxiety about the situation.
I wanted to share this with everyone finally, because I think it is relevant to my whole pregnancy story.
We did not share this news with many, as it really did not matter to us one way or the other the outcome of babies sex or number of chromosomes. But I do know I was anxious about it.... and for selfish reasons as well. I was worried I couldn't be the kind of mom who could handle a child that may require so much more from me. I was worried about certain dreams I may have for this child never coming true. I knew how selfish this all was, but these were just issues I had to deal with during my pregnancy and especially in those last few long insane weeks of pregnancy.